Do These 5 Things to Attract Your Ideal Partner
A guide for serial daters who are ready to get out the game.
When I get old, I’ll be able to look back at my early 20’s and say “I dated a lot.” I’d be able to recall both pleasant and not-so-pleasant memories of dating as an old-soul millennial, which I see as a blessing.
The blessing lays in the information. If you’re someone who’s dating frequently, but also ready to connect and build something more intimate with a serious partner, dating is your data.
We date to learn what we’re attracted to, what we’re not willing to tolerate, what we need, and how we want to fulfill other’s needs.
Collectively and with time, my different dating experiences became a resource. One that positioned me to date mindfully and therefore attract partners that align with my current and future desires.
Here are five things I learned to do to attract high-quality connections:
1. Know what you’re looking for
Have you ever wondered why people repeatedly attract the same “type” of person, despite choosing from a pool of endless unique options? It’s because we’re naturally inclined to look for what’s familiar. What’s familiar is comfortable because whether it was good or bad, you have experience with it. To our subconscious minds, Experience = Expert. Unknown = Threat.
Most of us would rather feel like an expert than the victim of a threat.
Yet remember: the subconscious mind only holds onto the experience you had. It’s the conscious mind that controls your logic and reasoning about that experience.
This two-part functionality is why chain-smokers know they should quit, but haven't yet; or “can’t.” It’s also a reason why people end up in toxic relationships, one after the other, although they know how to spot red flags.
The conscious mind knows this may not be the healthiest thing for you, yet the subconscious still craves the experience.
So without being deeply aware of what you’re looking for in a partner, it’s quite likely you’ll attract more of what you don’t want than you need to.
When you become conscious about what you truly want, you can anchor those thoughts into your subconscious, then turn them into actions that create your desired outcome.
So what is your desired outcome?
Describe your partner.
- What personal values would you like your partner to have? (i.e family, financial security, integrity, contribution, etc.).
- What personality traits appeal to you? (i.e goal-oriented, humble, thoughtful, patient, resourceful, persistent, etc.).
- Are they interested in marriage?
- Do they like/want/have pets, kids, vacations, etc.?
- Physical characteristics?
- Where do you want your partner to live? (long distance or within close proximity, with roommates? Do you want a homeowner or renter?).
- Must they share any specific hobbies/interests with you?
Get as detailed as you can. The more clear you get about what you want, the easier it is to avoid what isn’t for you.
2. Know what you bring to the table
After giving some thought to your ideal partner, read it back. Chances are you’ve described a remarkable, spectacular person; as you should. Now is your opportunity to check in with yourself and make sure your energy aligns with what you want.
Ariana Grande has a lyric that goes, “I admit that I’m a lil messed up, but I can hide it when I’m all dressed up.”
This song speaks to a woman’s insecurities as she proceeds to date a man who thinks she’s needy.
While we as humans do in-fact need each other for survival, we cannot expect to attract partners that will be interested in or skilled at healing our wounds; especially if the goal is to hide them from others instead of healing from them internally.
Who you are and where you are in your journey are determinants of who you attract. Like attracts like more often than not when it comes to dating. Potential partners are wondering if you’re an appropriate fit for them as well. Thus, being very clear about where you are on your journey matters.
If you want a trustworthy partner, what does your personal relationship with trust look like? Do you consider yourself trustworthy? Are you holding on to any trust issues from the past that could potentially make it difficult, or even impossible for your new partner to ever earn your trust?
If you want a partner who’s ready for a family, are you truly ready to be a parent yourself? Are you emotionally, financially, and physically “prepared” to raise a child?
If not, it doesn’t mean you’re undeserving of your desire; nor do you have to change it. This simply means that something more needs to be done on your part so that you have the capacity to recieve blessings as you attract them.
At some point, whatever you’re processing internally will be revealed in the way you attach to or communicate with your partner.
Use your time while you’re single to improve yourself, as well as what you can offer another.
We’ve all been through something, and everyone is doing their best to grow. Be honest and gentle with yourself as you notice where more work is needed. Let the gap between where you are and where you want to be, for yourself first — then your partner, motivate you to grow.
Ask yourself these questions:
- How would I realistically describe myself in relationships? (how have I shown up in the past?)
- When I look back, are there any common themes throughout past relationships?
- What characteristics do I want my partner to see in me?
- Am I prepared to be the type of partner my ideal mate needs?
- What personal beliefs, habits, or skills would I like to improve?
3. Practice Discernment
I identify as an empath. It means I deeply sense other people’s energy, often without even needing to exchange words. Many people recognize empathic qualities within themselves, and they impact us in diverse ways.
I personally believe my ability to deeply sense energy and emotion (energy in motion) comes from growing up in an emotionally volatile environment. As a survival mechanism, I developed the ability to “spot” what was going on within or around others. The insights allowed me to determine whether it was safe to interact, or necessary to disengage.
However, empaths often have a difficult time protecting themselves from people who take advantage of their natural capacity to “hold space.” Holding space speaks to one’s ability to observe the thoughts, feelings, and emotions of another without judging.
It’s a skill that I’m blessed to have, and working with it is what ultimately positioned me to become a life coach. Yet honestly, learning how to use my empathic qualities to help others while still protecting my own energy came with difficult lessons.
You see, my ability to hold space for others without judging them harshly meant that I was essentially attracting “broken” partners.
Boys who were emotionally unavailable. Boys who would take advantage of anyone if it meant they came out on top. Boys who would carry years’ worth of old baggage into the present and expect me to unpack it, or just deal with it.
Fortunately, I never try to repaint people once they show me their true colors. I can forgive you and walk out of your life at the very same time.
This is how I learned the difference between judgement and discernment.
We’re all individually responsible for the many decisions we’ll make during this lifetime. It’s unnecessary to judge another for how they choose to think and behave because humans have free will and can act as they please; with or without external opinions. However, it’s crucial to discern how another’s thoughts and behaviors may impact your overall wellbeing.
Judgement looks like: “you repeat toxic behaviors and that’s bad because it hurts me. You act like a F***kboy.”
Discernment looks like: “I’ll communicate my needs, as well as what I simply will not tolerate. If your energy and behavior do not consistently align with that, we will part ways.”
Practicing discernment is your opportunity to establish and set boundaries for yourself. If you’re not used to approaching relationships this way, it will feel harsh at first. But overtime, you will feel empowered by your ability to self-advocate and protect what is pure within and around you.
4. Have a passion/your own life
I cannot stress this one enough. We live in a world where people do not have to focus on their own reality. Think about it. What do you do when you’re bored? Hop on social media. Why? We have unlimited access to other people’s lives and we want to see their version of reality. Perhaps constantly watching the news to see what’s going on around you is your thing? Maybe call a friend to complain about your job or any other unfulfilling part of your life? Or, maybe drugs and alcohol have become a convenient escape.
Sure. All of these outlets serve a purpose. I’m not suggesting they’re entirely bad or that we should completely do away with them. Rather, I simply ask that you think about how these temporary escapes eat away at your desire, focus, and time to build a life you’re passionate to live.
You see, passion carries a high vibration. Have you ever watched someone who’s passionate about what they do, do it? Even just talking about it lights them up! Others are attracted to this, because vibrant energy doesn’t go unnoticed for long.
If you want to attract and keep a partner like this, it’s important to have your own life. To keep things blunt, someone with a high vibration isn’t going to enjoy spending time with a person who frequently complains about how unhappy they are with (insert thing).
It’s one thing to vent as a means of finding a solution. Continuously showing up as the victim of an empty life is another.
Also, those who have their own life are usually self-fulfilled. Think about the hardworking and successful CEO, artist, entrepreneur, etc. who is admired by everyone, yet still single.
These types create an abundance of positive energy within themselves first, which allows them to go out into the world and perform at their best. Then they use their remaining energy to form meaningful connections with others secondly. That leaves no place for “clingy” people who easily and quickly become consumed with their partner’s life, while simultaneously neglecting their own.
We’re attracted to people who are like us, or people that we want to be like.
For example, I briefly dated a freelance cinematographer. He spent his time traveling around the world to capture content and make short films. At the same time, I desperately wanted to step into entrepreneurship myself.
Yet, instead of personally putting in the work to step into that role as Brit, I sat back and admired this cinematographer’s free and adventurous lifestyle.
At the risk of sounding crazy, I’ll be honest with you. I wanted to be him.
I was too busy drooling over his life and fantasizing about how I would fit into what he had built, that I lost sight of what I should have been doing for myself.
That dynamic is not healthy, nor is it sustainable. As you can probably imagine, it was also very unattractive to him.
Self-respect is attractive. Don’t chase people around trying to leech off their dreams and hard work. It shows.
Claim your time. Show up for your own desires. Take interest in things that make you feel alive without needing validation from anyone else.
In other words, get a life.
5. Be focused enough to walk away
Here’s the thing. When you open yourself up to dating, you may encounter people who only come into your life to help you clarify.
Maybe they’re a “great person,” but you two lack natural chemistry. Or maybe they’re a not-so-great person, but you’re still attracted to their physical or financial features.
Whatever the case may be, you ultimately know they are not your life partner.
These people check some of your boxes, but not all of them. The boxes left unchecked are your non-negotiables; the aspects of a partner that you will not budge on or settle for. No one can decide what these are but you.
You and I both know of people who keep unsuitable lovers in their lives, “just incase.”
If your goal is to find a high-quality, long-term partner to share your life with, you don’t have room for just incases.
Make space for what you want by cutting out what no longer serves you.
Appreciate your experience for what it is. Reflect on the good, learn from the bad, and move up to the next level.
Who knows what’s waiting for you there?
“Don’t settle for anybody just to have someone. Set your standards. What kind of love do you want to attract? List the qualities you really want in the relationship. Develop those qualities in yourself and you will attract a person who has them.” — Louise Haylanguage
In conclusion, know what you’re looking for in a partner beyond the surface-level aspects. Recognize who you are and what you bring to the table as you interact others. Practice discernment as you decide who is worthy of your time and energy. Be passionate about your own life and make sure you’re living for yourself first. Be focused enough to walk away from those who aren’t fit to go the distance with you.
Carry the vibration of that which you’d like to attract, and be prepared for your incoming blessings.